I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Beware of the dog..
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”