When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
You Might Also Like
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card