washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
You Might Also Like
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Personal question. #JustSaying
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
This 4th of July, please remember…
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991