And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
How to make infinite energy.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
oh my god
58.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.