It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
road rage
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.