I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board