bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
If only.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.