[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My love language is hissing.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too