Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
two people or more is called a problem
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.