4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You Might Also Like
O Wise One….
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Worlds greatest photobomb
#Caturday
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.