Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?