Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep