I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
why would tinder want me to say this
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone