if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!