I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
You Might Also Like
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.