‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
🙋♀️
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Don’t talk down to me
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.