You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Meow
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.