Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*has no idea what a book even is*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.