Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what