Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it