Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”