‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.