“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The answer is funnier than the question
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Can. I. Help. You.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.