Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus