Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
wut hotdog?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre