Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
hackers play passwordle
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
How to find Kentucky on a map
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I have never related to anyone more.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.