Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I love it all
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
reduce, reuse, recycle
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.