instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork