everyone has that one prude friend
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
i want to work in this restaurant
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: