VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
is this store having a stroke wtf
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.