please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.