therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
You Might Also Like
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Van Gone
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”