So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Try and stop me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.