Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
You Might Also Like
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A woman drives into a bar.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’