Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like