*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario