Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…