Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
This made me smile…
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”