Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Friday night party time 🥳
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?