if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper