One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.