“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.