I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine