explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.