I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what