I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Everyone’s family
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
pep talk
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.