Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
thank god the sign was there
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.