Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.