Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
still the best tweet of the year by far
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze