Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
💁🏻♂️
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.